Cash-Strapped Planned Parenthood Forced To Sell Fetus Bulldozer

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NEW YORK—In a desperate move to stabilize the nonprofit organization amid continual threats to its funding, Planned Parenthood announced Monday that in order to shore up its finances it had been forced to sell its fetus bulldozer. “While it is unfortunate to get rid of an essential piece of machinery that helps with the day-to-day work, it’s necessary to keep our doors open and the lights on,” said Planned Parenthood president and CEO Alexis McGill Johnson, adding that the 90,000-pound Komatsu fetus bulldozer was in very good condition despite years of wear and tear from scraping away and scooping up tons of fetal tissue, and could provide the reproductive health clinics with more than $300,000 if they found the right buyer. “This is a 1,150-horsepower machine with massive blade capacity, and it’s been a real workhorse for us. Without a working fetal bulldozer, we’ll be forced to shovel by hand, but luckily, we have plenty of dedicated volunteers we can count on to help us bag and burn.” Planned Parenthood officials confirmed the sale was necessary because the healthcare provider was running out of assets to liquidate, having already sold its fetus steamroller last year.

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